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By John Schauer
I don’t mean to aggravate
anyone’s hypochondria,
but I’ve got an addition to
the list of diseases you may
have without even knowing
it. It’s one I’ve been a icted
with for decades, but de-
spite my ongoing e orts, I
cannot convince my health
insurance carrier that it
deserves to be covered.
I am talking about the
heartbreak of EMR, or Ex-
cessive Music Recognition.
It strikes unexpectedly, like
when you’re watching a
lm and suddenly real-
ize the music that is being used on the
soundtrack is not only familiar, but totally
inappropriate to the lm. And as your
mind is helplessly engaged by this game
of “Name at Tune,” you may become
so distracted you start missing potentially
vital plot points. Your subconscious mind
may feel smug about solving a musical
trivia question, but your conscious brain
feels ripped o that yet another lm has
been spoiled—and at today’s movie ticket
prices, that is no small loss.
Like many diseases, EMR can devel-
op at a very early age, and at rst it can
seem benign or even cute. When I was in
college, I went to watch a semi-documen-
tary lm about insects called
e Hell-
strom Chronicle
. During a time lapse of a
spider frantically spinning a magni cent
web to the accompaniment of a very fast
piece of harpsichord music, I leaned over
and whispered to the woman I was with,
“Prelude in C-sharp minor from book
one of
e Well-Tempered Clavier
.” Being
a biology major, she burst out laughing
when she should have been directing me
to a support group for help.
It was not that many years later that I
had a full-blown attack at a screening of
John Boorman’s visually stunning take on
the King Arthur story,
Excalibur
. It began
during the opening credits, which were
shown over the “Siegfried’s Death” music
from the last opera of Wagner’s
Ring
Cy-
cle,
Götterdämmerung
. Just what, my poor
confused brain started screaming, does
the th-century Germany of Wagner’s
time have to do with the h-century
England of Arthur and his knights? It
jarred me out of the moment su ciently
to make me regret the hours I had spent
becoming familiar with that blasted
Ring
Cycle.
It’s even more agonizing when you rec-
ognize a piece but can’t identify it. Toward
the end of Lina Wertmüller’s
Swept Away
… by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea
of August
, just at the moment when the
male lead realizes he has been abandoned
by his woman employer, the director
inserts a ve-second melisma sung by a
soprano to express his anguish. It wasn’t
much to go on, but although I could rec-
ognize the voice of Joan Sutherland, I was
unable to place the source of
that musical snippet. Since
I was viewing it on TV at
home, I ended up spending
the next half-hour combing
through my record collec-
tion, determined to identify
it. I eventually was able to,
but at the price of spoiling
the climactic moment of the
movie.
But it isn’t a syndrome
unique to movies; some TV
shows have started to incor-
porate bits of the classics.
Perhaps the most diabolical
is the sitcom
Mom
, which
uses extremely short clas-
sical excerpts, sometimes
no more than an introductory fanfare or
nal cadence. It’s as if they were inten-
tionally taunting those of us who su er
from EMR. ere should be some federal
“Americans with EMR” act to protect us
from such sadistic practices. And don’t
even get me started on what they do in
TV commercials.
What makes EMR so insidious is that
it works in the other direction, too. is
summer as you attend concerts at Ravin-
ia, you may suddenly nd yourself rec-
ognizing a tune and wracking your brain
to remember which movie you heard it
in. But chances are that, unfortunately, by
the time you gure it out, the music will
be over.
Sadly, there is no cure for EMR—at
least not yet. Your best protection is a
conscientious program of prevention. So
the next time you hear a wonderful piece
of music and feel the urge to ask someone
what it is, don’t. It will only come back to
haunt you.
John Schauer is a freelance writer, dedicated dog
owner, and author of the novel
Chaste Goddess
.
If Only I Could ink of It Like
Shazam
JUNE 18 – JULY 8, 2018 | RAVINIA MAGAZINE
41
By John Schauer
I don’t mean to aggr vate
anyone’s hypochondria,
but I’ve got an addition to
the list of disea es you may
have without ven knowing
it. It’s one I’ve been a icted
with for decades, but de-
spite my ongoing e orts, I
cannot convince my health
insurance carrier tha it
d serves to be cov red.
I am talking about the
heartbreak of EMR, or Ex-
cessive Music Recognition.
I strikes unexpectedly, like
when you’re watching a
lm and suddenly real-
ize the music that is being used on the
soundtrack is n t only familiar, but otally
inappropria e to the lm. And as your
mind is he plessly en aged by this game
of “Name at Tune,” you may become
so distracted you start m ssing potentially
vital plot points. Your subconscious mind
may feel smug about solving a musical
trivia question, but your conscious brain
feels ripped o that yet another lm has
been spoiled—and at today’s movie ticket
prices, that is no sma l loss.
Like many disea es, EMR can d vel-
op t a very early age, and at rs it can
seem benign or ven cute. When I was in
coll ge, I went to watch a semi-documen-
tary lm about insects called
e Hell-
strom Chronicle
. During a time lapse of a
spide frantically spin ing a magni cent
web to the accompaniment of a very fast
pi ce of harpsichord music, I leaned over
and whisp red to the woman I was with,
“Prelude in C-sharp mino from book
one of
e Well-Temp red Clavier
.” Being
a bi logy major, she burst out laughing
when she should have been directing me
to a support group for help.
It was not that man years later that I
had a full-blown ttack t a scree ing of
John Boorman’s visually stun ing take on
the King Arthur story,
Excalibur
. It began
during the ope ing credits, which w re
shown over the “Siegfried’s Death” music
from the last opera of Wagner’s
Ring
Cy-
cle,
Götterdä merung
. Just what, my poor
confused brain started screaming, does
the th-century Germany of Wagner’s
time have to do wit the h-century
England of Arthur and his knights? It
jarred me out of the moment su ciently
to make m regret the hours I had spent
becoming familiar wit that blasted
Ring
Cycle.
It’s ven more agonizing when you rec-
ognize a pi ce but can’t identify it. Toward
th end of Lina Wertmüller’s
Swept Away
… by an Un sual Destiny in the Blue Sea
of A gust
, jus at the moment when the
ma lead realizes he has been bandoned
by his woman employer, the director
inserts a ve-second melisma sung by a
sopran to express his anguish. It wasn’t
much to g on, but although I could rec-
ognize the voice of Joan Sutherland, I was
unable to place the source of
that musical snippet. Since
I was viewing it on TV at
home, I en ed u spending
the next half-hour combing
through my record collec-
tion, d termined to identify
it. I ventually w s able to,
bu at the price of spoiling
the clima tic moment of the
movie.
Bu t isn’t a syndrome
unique to movie ; some TV
shows have started to incor-
porate bits of the classics.
Perhaps the most diabolical
is the sitcom
Mom
, which
u s extremely short clas-
sical excerpt , sometimes
no more than a introductory fanfare or
nal cadence. It’ as if they w re inten-
tionally tau ting those of us who su er
from EMR. re should be som f deral
“Americans with EMR” act to protect us
from such sad stic pra tices. An don’t
ven get me started on what they do in
TV co mercials.
What makes EMR so ins diou is that
it works in the other direction, too. is
su mer as you attend concerts at Ravin-
ia, you may suddenly nd yourself rec-
ognizing a tune and wracking your brain
to re ember which movie you heard it
in. But chances are that, unfortunately, by
the time you gure it ou , the music will
be over.
Sadly, th re is no cure for EMR—at
least not yet. Your best protection is a
conscientious program of pr vention. So
the next time you he r a wonderful pi ce
of music and feel the urge to ask someone
wha t is, don’t. It will only come back to
haunt you.
John Schauer is a freelance w iter, edicated dog
owner, and auth r of the novel
Chaste Goddess
.
If Only I Could ink of It Like
Shaza
JUNE 18 – JULY 8, 2018 | RAVINIA M GAZINE
41